17 and indifferent

I’m always going to be too young.

For the longest time, I was too young for two reasons: I was “jail bait” and I was in high school. Even though I was too young, my age or the fact that I’m still in high school hasn’t been a barrier. But it does cause some unspoken conflict of some sort…

As of four days ago, I stopped being “jail bait” (at least in NY). I was put under the impression that anyone that saw me as “jail bait” would start trying to rekindle something that died a long time ago. And I was right (unfortunately). I CAN WATCH R-RATED MOVIES WITHOUT HAVING TO SKETCHILY ASK SOMEONE TO BUY MY TICKET. I’m almost halfway through my senior year of high school. People are looking up to me (figuratively, not literally) and asking me questions about college and my future and how I survived my junior year of high school and how I’m not dead yet from taking three semesters of Social Studies classes/requirements concurrently (two of which are APs), and taking other difficult classes in the same semester (I’m pretty sure I’m a zombie by now…just saying). For once in my life, I’m the bigger person that knows enough to pass my knowledge on to the next person.

But I’m still too young. 

I’m still in high school. I’m gonna be a freshman again next year. I’m still not 18, which is going to impose a huge inconvenience on me (in fact, it already has). Being the age I used to tell people I was is going to be a huge fucking tease. 

And once I’m 18, being too young is not going to go away. Those three years of not being 21 is going to be an even bigger tease. 

I’m not even gonna continue on this shpiel, even though I was planning on it. There’s still a part of me that *kinda* wants to stay young and free forever.