Over the years, I developed the notion that my own welfare comes before anything else. I don’t owe anyone else anything that I don’t want to give them and I don’t have the ability to let someone in unless I learn to truly embrace what I have first. Looking back, I see nothing but my own selfish and careless mistakes hurting anyone that crossed my path. Last week, I was given a harsh reminder that I only have a small window of time to make up for these mistakes. Because I’ll never know when someone will no longer be there when I’m ready to face these mistakes.

It’s been a week, and all of these pangs of guilt and sorrow are starting to accumulate to the point where my head feels like it’s going to implode and it’s hard to breathe. I need to let it out. And I guess here is as good as anywhere…

I just want to address what I’m about to say to all those who may be deemed applicable. I will probably never develop the courage to utter them, but these words are something that have added weight and unnecessary stress that I need to express.

In the spur of the moment, I only see my own personal issues and I don’t see anyone else. But, looking at the big picture, I’ve realized that I have been missing a lot of things in myself and in the world around me. There were things I took for granted and people that truly cared for me…but I couldn’t see that. All I saw were all the dangers around me, and an uncomfortable vulnerability that only I could protect myself from.

I just want you to know that you weren’t just another person in my life. Even when I told you that you weren’t special or implied it in any way (I know I specifically implied it in spite).